Anheuser Busch CEO Resigns As Bud Light Sales Plummet To Record Low

The shakeup at Anheuser Busch continues in the wake of what may have been the dumbest thing a company could ever conceivably do. CEO Augustus Anheuser III left the corporate headquarters in shame after tendering his resignation.
“The whole thing is ultimately my fault,” said Anheuser, “I should have never approved that campaign.”

The company also fired the entire marketing department responsible for the whole mess. Vice President and Interim CEO Joe Barron says they have a long way to go to regain the public’s trust.

“We’ll have to be vigilant and make sure our advertising is acceptable for all. The cancel culture left is always looking for a reason to take a brand out, so catering to them didn’t make a lot of sense.”
The company is also in talks with Nike, Yeti, Coca-Cola, and Disney to find out how they recovered from the devastating boycotts of patriotic Americans. “I plan to join the group therapy sessions on Tuesdays,” said Barron.

 

Anheuser Busch will likely lose tens of millions this quarter and there’s a chance they’ll stop producing Bud Light altogether if things get any worse.

“Travis Tritt called for our demise,” said Barron, “there are powerful voices at play. Between him and Kid Rock who knows if we’ll survive at all.”

Let’s hope not, patriots. Go woke go broke. God Bless America.

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